


Firsts

by thanku4urlove



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: (and yes there's a good amount of mingyu/woozi in this fic), (bc hoshi is a snuggle bug), (bc they're my fave ship and i have no self control), (ok the progression of those tags is hilarious), (soft AND hot at the same time), Awkward Conversations, Communication, Cuddling & Snuggling, Enthusiastic Consent, First Kiss, Implied Sexual Content, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Mentioned SEVENTEEN Ensemble, Nudity, Oh and Also, Resolved Sexual Tension, Romantic Fluff, Unresolved Sexual Tension, almost forgot that tag whoops, and shua is like a pancake, hoshi just has a lot of feelings, soonhoon are BEST bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24937297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thanku4urlove/pseuds/thanku4urlove
Summary: A series of firsts in Soonyoung and Joshua's relationship.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi, Kim Mingyu/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 9
Kudos: 111





	Firsts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yutorin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yutorin/gifts).



> a birthday fic for my sister ♡ this is one of her fave svt ships and there's not a whole lot of content for them where they aren't either broken up or not together yet, so I decided to go ahead and do this! it's way longer than i meant it to be, but I'm happy with how it turned out! (and yes, this was written before the room assignments all changed)

Joshua was a good listener. Soonyoung knew that about him. He just must not be giving comprehension his full attention, because Soonyoung had stopped speaking a full hundred-and-eighty seconds ago and Joshua was still staring at him. 

“...please say something.” Soonyoung finally said, despite how desperate it felt. 

“I’m sorry!” Joshua said quickly, looking like he’d been pulled so suddenly from a train of thought by Soonyoung breaking the silence that he was almost breathless with it. “I’m so sorry. I just... You like me?”

“I... Yeah.” Feeling horrifyingly nervous, Soonyoung tried to laugh, but the sound was shaky. 

“I just didn’t know.” Joshua said. And this confession wasn’t going poorly, per se, but it wasn’t exactly going great, either. Joshua hadn’t turned him down yet, at least. “You mean it? In like--a gay way?”

“...yes?” Soonyoung said, and he knew he would have cracked up at the question if he weren’t so anxious. Joshua turned pink, and he put his hands over his face. 

“I’m so sorry, I should have said romantic, I don’t, I--” The speaking and flustered motions were familiar to Soonyoung, and he spoke up quickly, trying to help.

“It’s okay. I’m nervous too.” 

“Oh, of course you are!” Joshua seemed to be having a new revelation with every new thing Soonyoung said, and in any other situation, Soonyoung would have found it cute. No, he still found it cute. “I’m sorry, I’m just... I just never thought you would...”

He trailed off, Soonyoung worried about the sentence, especially by the way it was phrased the first time Joshua had started it, offering up an ending that wouldn’t hurt too much. 

“You never thought I would like you?”

“I never thought you would like me back.” Joshua corrected, after a heartbeat of silence. 

“I--wait, back?” Soonyoung repeated, feeling more like he’d been hit over the head with a steel beam the more the sentence sunk in. Joshua’s face broke into a smile, which didn’t help, because he was so beautiful, even like this--sweaty from dance practice, a small breakout on his right cheek, his hair a bit greasy with the need for a shower. 

“Yeah. Back. I like you too.”

“Oh.” It was sinking in, the happiness welling inside Soonyoung, the feeling impossible to control as a smile took over his whole face. “Okay.” 

Soonyoung had known, when he’d confessed to Joshua on the practice room floor, that it wasn’t a great time for it. The group were horrifyingly busy, rehearsing and preparing at every moment that they weren’t eating or sleeping--and sometimes when they should be eating or sleeping--and while Soonyoung wanted very much to take Joshua on a proper first date, he couldn’t find any excuse more than sharing a meal on the practice room floor to spend time together. So, more or less, nothing really felt like it had changed between them, except instead of being embarrassed when caught staring at Joshua, Soonyoung felt he could just give him a smile instead, a smile that Joshua always returned. 

Their first date-like activity didn’t happen for over a week, and still it didn’t really count, because it was just Vernon putting on some foreign movie downstairs and half of the group showing up to watch it. Soonyoung simply snagged a seat next to Joshua on the couch, and while he was sure that the movie was good--something about a bus going really fast that had Seokmin, Chan, and Seungcheol all occasionally shouting at the television screen, Vernon laughing at them--he couldn’t really find it in himself to pay attention. He just snuggled up to Joshua, playing with the fingers on his left hand and wanting desperately to kiss him. But he didn’t want their first kiss to be in front of half of the group, with the background soundtrack an incredible amount of yelling and explosions, so he tried to put the thought from his mind instead, still sitting on the couch with Joshua long after the movie had ended and the room had cleared out. 

“They wore themselves out.” Joshua remarked, nodding down to the floor. Seokmin and Chan had come downstairs too late, the chairs and the couches already taken up, so they’d seated themselves on the rug instead, Chan even putting on one of the still-surviving butt pads they’d gotten during One Fine Day. They were now fully asleep on the floor, their limbs sprawled all over each other and their mouths slightly open, the butt pad still strapped around Chan’s thighs. Aside from Joshua and Soonyoung himself, they were the only two left in the room, the only light a yellow lamp in the far corner, and Soonyoung laughed as he looked down at his friends. 

“They’re cute.” He said, and Joshua laughed back, nodding. Soonyoung let himself stretch across the now-empty couch, scrunching up his face as he extended his arms and legs. 

"You're cute too." Joshua said after a moment, the words a bit too late to tack onto what Soonyoung had said, feeling more like an individual statement. Soonyoung looked at him in surprise. Joshua met his eyes for a moment before glancing down, giving a light, embarrassed laugh. Soonyoung didn't want him to feel embarrassed so he scooted close, deciding to embarrass himself instead. 

"You’re even cuter." He declared, winking in the cheesiest way he could manage as he took Joshua's hand and clutched it to his chest. Joshua snorted, the sound so funny that before long they'd both broken down into giggles, resting against the couch cushions. Joshua slid his fingers between Soonyoung's own, squeezing Soonyoung's hand as he laughed, and Soonyoung's chest felt light, reminded all over again of how much he liked Joshua, how good and healing and inexplicably "right" being around Joshua felt.

Soonyoung was still giggling by the time Joshua had finished, just looking at him now, prompting a question from him. 

"What?" 

"I really want to kiss you." Joshua said softly. Soonyoung leaned in a little closer. 

"Kiss me, then. Please." He said, and Joshua did. 

It was a relatively chaste kiss, as far as kisses went, Joshua's lips moving lightly against his own, hesitant and slow. But it felt good, felt nice and sweet and Soonyoung wanted to pursue the feeling, pushing a bit deeper. Joshua's body moved with his, leaning back slightly into the side of the couch. Soonyoung's lips parted to breathe, and he'd barely pressed his mouth to Joshua's again when Joshua pulled away completely. 

"Are you okay?" Soonyoung asked, because something about Joshua, about the way he'd gone completely still, the way his breathing was shallow, how wide his eyes were as they looked at Soonyoung... None of it seemed like okay reactions to what Soonyoung had thought had been a good--and more importantly, consensual--first kiss. "What's wrong?" 

"I--it's not--it's nothing..." Even in waving Soonyoung off, Joshua wasn't doing much to hide his reaction. Not that Soonyoung wanted him to hide anything, but it made his disregard of Soonyoung's worry so transparent that it was useless.

"It's not nothing.” Soonyoung told him. “It’s not nothing if it's making you make that face." Then he realized something, something he thought they'd had to have talked about, except maybe they hadn't, because he couldn't recall a conversation like it. "Shua, have... Have you never been kissed before?" 

"I have!" Joshua said quickly, but thankfully not defensively. "But not... Not in a while, I guess. And... All but one of them were girls. Girls in California. Girls from church." 

"Why would you kiss girls from church?" Soonyoung asked. Because Joshua had come out to the group a couple of years ago, saying during the conversation that he was gay, and that he'd always known he was gay. That he'd never had any interest in girls. 

"Because they were nice, and... I don't know, I didn't know how to say no." 

"Shua, you can always say no." 

"I didn't have a reason to." 

"You don't need a reason." 

"But I thought... I thought that if I said no, they'd find out." 

Soonyoung didn't really know what to say to that. He knew that the way he'd been brought up in regards to the people around him, his relationship with knowing he wasn't straight, and the importance placed on self-acceptance in general was all very different than what Joshua had been given. Being very close to a lot of cute boys at the most hormonal time in his life had done wonders for accelerating Soonyoung's journey of self discovery, and he was very settled now in himself and how he felt about people. All he’d really had were some backwards ideas about masculinity to work though. 

Joshua had been a closeted catholic teenage boy that played football, and while Soonyoung didn't fully know what all of that meant, especially with an American lens thrown over it, he knew that it hadn't had the most positive impact. 

"If you don't want to kiss me, that's okay." He finally decided to say. "We can go as slow as you want, seriously. It’s fine." 

"No!" Joshua said quickly. “It’s not that at all. I… I want to kiss you. I really, really do.” 

“...but?” Soonyoung asked, after a hesitant moment. Joshua glanced to the floor, to Seokmin and Chan. Soonyoung looked at them too; they were both still absolutely dead to the world.

“I just… There was one boy--one boy that I kissed back then, but I was so scared of being caught, and I felt so guilty about liking it that it just... It made me feel awful." 

"So... You feel awful?" Soonyoung asked slowly, a sinking feeling in his stomach. 

"I don’t." Joshua's answer was more thoughtful this time, as though he was choosing each word, instead of the rushed mess of before. "That... That's the thing. I haven't really kissed anyone since I came to terms with everything. Since I came out. Since I knew that it was okay, and that I was okay, and part of me was afraid of kissing you because I didn’t want to feel all of that again, and especially not about you. But I don't feel bad, and I don't feel guilty, and… It surprised me, I guess." A smile was making its way on Joshua’s face, and something about it made Soonyoung’s chest ache. Not in a bad way, though. “I like you so much. I’m so happy I get to kiss you.” 

Soonyoung felt heat rush into his face, all the way down his neck and up his forehead. Joshua was smiling at him so he felt like he needed to say something, only managing out an “oh” that was so small and warped by a grin that it made Joshua laugh. 

"Can I count that as my first kiss?" He asked. "My first real kiss?" 

"Of course you can." Soonyoung told him. This moment felt so fragile, so hesitant and perfect at the same time; it was about as fitting for a first kiss as Soonyoung could think of. "Anything you want." 

"I... I want a second one, then." Joshua said. His voice went a little soft. "I won't pull away this time." 

"You can though, if you want to--"

"But I don't want to." Joshua put his free hand on Soonyoung's cheek. "All I want is you." 

So Soonyoung leaned in and kissed him.

Once their first kiss happened, it was like floodgates had opened. To Soonyoung’s delight, Joshua‘s hesitance seemed to be gone, often being the one to initiate kisses between them. And it was incredibly precious, because Joshua couldn’t just kiss him, he had to make something of it; he had to drag Soonyoung in by the belt loops on his jeans, or press their foreheads together first, or use his strong arms to unexpectedly pull Soonyoung into his lap with words like “cute” or “handsome”. Sometimes, Joshua would get embarrassed about it, his eyes disappearing into a smile as his entire face went pink, and Soonyoung had to kiss Joshua instead, unable not to call him cute before leaning in. 

For years, Soonyoung had been waiting for the swooping feeling he got in his chest about Joshua to fade. It had always been there, a slight, nervous flutter whenever Joshua met his eyes. It had happened for years--since Joshua had first looked at him, really--a phenomenon Soonyoung had simply chalked up to the fact that he found Joshua incredibly aesthetically pleasing to look at. He had gotten used to feeling it, and had even gotten good at ignoring it, but it had never really gone away. Now that he could call Joshua his boyfriend, instead of lightening up, the feeling was almost worse. 

Because now, there was some kind of anticipation. There was an excitement, an acknowledgment in the idea that how Soonyoung had been looking at Joshua’s arms, or how Joshua had been watching his lips, were thoughts that could be acted on once they were alone. 

They did wait until they were alone, not in a desire for secrecy from their bandmates, but in an attempt at modesty. They did still have to live and work with these people after all, and there were just things they didn’t need to know. They didn’t need to know the way Joshua’s large hands fit on Soonyoung’s waist, and how Soonyoung would squirm when Joshua’s thumbs pressed just hard enough to feel his ribs. They didn’t need to know that Soonyoung liked to put his teeth to Joshua’s neck, just gently, and the sound Joshua would make when he did. 

Not that nobody knew about them at all. Soonyoung thought that probably, all of them did. Neither of them had made any kind of announcement, or declaration when they’d started dating, but they’d told some people once they felt they were serious enough, and word was bound to travel. 

They’d told Seungcheol together, kind of because they felt like they had to. He didn’t seem overly surprised by the news, taking it in stride and telling them seriously that they had to be careful. And they nodded, saying they knew. 

Joshua had told Jeonghan. Soonyoung had told Jihoon, which meant that Mingyu also knew. Performance Unit knew because one night, in the middle of brainstorming some stage modifications for choreography, Chan had simply asked Soonyoung what was going on between him and Joshua, and Soonyoung had told him. They weren’t trying to be secretive; they just weren’t kissing in front of anyone else, and the increased cuddling they did wasn’t really that far outside of what was already ordinary for the thirteen of them. Seokmin might not know, because he seemed to have taken Soonyoung snuggling more with Joshua as maybe some kind of joke, and had also begun snuggling more with Joshua, but Joshua didn’t mind and Soonyoung didn’t either, so they just let it happen. Soonyoung figured that Jeonghan would probably tell Seokmin eventually. 

Vernon was the only one that had really gotten an eyeful, walking into their bedroom at the wrong time, and Soonyoung did feel bad about that. It hadn’t been anything horribly risqué, the two of them on Soonyoung’s bed together, Joshua working a hickey under Soonyoung’s jaw. But it really had been embarrassing for all parties involved, and they began saving any and all makeout time for Joshua’s room instead. 

It became a bit of a practice in self restraint, because Soonyoung wanted to kiss Joshua all the time. And not just for the sake of touching, for the gratification that came with that; he loved the way Joshua reacted, loved the way he would smile and blush and the noises he would make. He loved making Joshua feel cherished, making Joshua feel adored, because making people feel adored was something Joshua was so incredibly good at. 

It was one of the first things that had drawn Soonyoung to him, the way he could begin a conversation with a stranger, the gentle manner he had when he talked to someone he didn’t know. He had a way of listening that made the other person feel heard, a genuine enthusiasm in his willingness to play along with silly things the other members did. It made the other person feel heard and seen and loved, and that was all Soonyoung wanted for Joshua. 

It could be a bit nerve-wracking too, because they were becoming each other’s firsts for a lot of different things. Soonyoung was both incredibly honored and slightly burdened in the knowledge that he had been Joshua’s first good kiss. He wanted to be good at everything else too, but kissing was more or less where his experience with another person stopped, and they were in it together from there. 

They never really planned on doing more than make out, but things would often go a little further, get a little more out of hand. It always felt good, and it always went well, but Soonyoung did still have a bit of nervousness, torn between wanting to ask Joshua how he felt and not wanting to ruin the mood. He just listened to the sounds Joshua would make--he loved the sounds Joshua would make--and tried to go from there. 

The first time Soonyoung came with Joshua’s hand around him had definitely been an accident, another makeout session gone farther than expected, and they didn’t have anywhere near enough privacy for the amount of noise that Soonyoung couldn’t help but make, biting hard on his bottom lip to swallow it down. He didn’t realize until after he’d gotten breath back in his lungs that he’d bitten too hard, bitten through the skin, and Joshua decidedly did not find blood sexy in the bedroom. The mood was effectively killed, cleaning themselves up and getting ready for bed. Soonyoung had planned on spending the night in Joshua’s room, but when he leaned in to kiss him and Joshua turned away, he thought that maybe Joshua didn’t want him to anymore. 

“Is everything okay?” He asked, the fear of going too far hitting him with full force. 

“Don’t, it’s not--” Joshua reached over quickly, putting his hand on Soonyoung’s cheek in reassurance. “It’s just…”

Then he turned very red very quickly, but he had a smile on his face, and the fact that he was smiling was good, Soonyoung smiling back hesitantly. Joshua saw his expression, a small laugh leaving his mouth, then he buried his head in Soonyoung’s shoulder. 

“Shua?”

“You’re sexy.” Joshua mumbled. 

“...thank you?” Soonyoung said with a laugh, still unsure of what was going on. 

_“No, like_ \--really sexy.” The mix of English and Korean was a sign that Joshua was trying very hard to say something without actually saying it, but Soonyoung still wasn’t getting it, and didn’t trust himself not to make the wrong assumption. 

“Okay?” 

Joshua’s breath was warm on his neck, Soonyoung able to feel his lips moving lightly across his skin. 

“I really liked making you feel good.” He said. “And if I kiss you then I’m going to want to keep kissing you, and I’m going to want to make you feel like that again.” 

“...oh.” Soonyoung said, because his brain had gone completely blank except for _yes, please,_ and he wasn’t sure what else to say. Joshua, his face still hidden, let out a huff of a laugh and seemed to collapse under the weight of the words leaving his mouth, leaning fully against Soonyoung’s chest. “Is that a good thing?”

“It’s a good thing.” Joshua assured him. “It’s a very good thing.”

“Okay.” Then, because he felt the need to reciprocate--and because it was the absolute truth-- “I want to make you feel good too.” 

Joshua made a slight, sighing sort of sound that went directly down Soonyoung’s spine, drawing him a bit closer, Soonyoung unsure of when this had turned into a hug but not much minding it. 

“We have an early schedule tomorrow.” Joshua reminded Soonyoung, who realized he was right; they had a couple of performances coming up this week, and between choreography practice and the time he’d spent in Joshua’s room, it was already very late. Hating himself, hating that he’d been trained for the past seven years to be a responsible idol that cared about his job and his group mates and his fans, Soonyoung pulled away. 

“I should go to my own room, then.” 

“Probably.”

“Just… A goodnight kiss?” Soonyoung proposed. 

“You’re so cute.” Joshua murmured, drawing him in and pressing their lips together. Though the kiss was supposed to be simple and sweet, it became hungry quickly, Joshua pulling Soonyoung backwards with him as he took a step towards his bed. The kiss was almost bruising, Soonyoung’s split lip aching, but he didn’t care, ready to give up on everything he’d decided just seconds before as he slid his hands under Joshua’s shirt. Then Joshua’s bedroom door slammed open. 

“Shua! Have you seen my--”

Seokmin’s eyes were the size of dinner plates. Soonyoung jumped off Joshua, every nerve on fire--he couldn’t tell if it was desire or embarrassment, but his whole body felt hot--as Joshua tugged his shirt down. 

“...I’ll go.” Soonyoung decided to say, when it had been nearly a full minute and Seokmin hadn’t moved or spoken. He just gave Joshua’s hand a squeeze and slipped out the door. 

Somehow, being interrupted like that seemed to put Soonyoung on pause. He could only focus on Joshua for a few moments before the want from that night came back to him, muted and controlled but there, like an undercurrent running through everything. Unfortunately, the group was too busy for him to act on the feeling, and instead it was just torture. 

Soonyoung felt like he couldn’t focus. He understood what Joshua had meant about not kissing him out of a need to restrain himself, because he felt he couldn’t even touch Joshua without the contact feeling bright with energy. It was distracting, and it made him act clumsy and look stupid, and he was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that all of the dancing technique and concentration skills he’d earned over years and years of hard work was becoming completely undone by watching his boyfriend tilt his head back to brush his sweaty bangs out of his eyes. 

The only consolation Soonyoung could find was that the feeling was mutual. It was nice that Joshua’s eyes would follow him and his touch would linger, but it also made it all the more frustrating to know that schedules, meetings, and the human need for sleep was the only thing keeping them apart. 

_"God, look at you."_

The English words and lilted tone had Soonyoung glancing over. Joshua was a few feet away, just staring at him. At first, Soonyoung felt that the gaze might be unintentionally sultry, simply appearing that way due to the eye makeup his boyfriend had on, but the sweep Joshua did over his body was appreciative, a definite spark in his eyes when they met Soonyoung's own. Soonyoung was ready for the performance they had in a little less than an hour, his hair and makeup done, his outfit already changed into. 

"Look at you." Soonyoung responded, Joshua grinning a little bit when he realized that Soonyoung had understood him. Soonyoung was getting good at it, at understanding little phrases Joshua would use. They were in a back room as a group, waiting for their turn to go onstage for their music show promotion, half of them already done up, a third of them sleeping, the rest eating or playing on their phones. 

Joshua always looked beautiful, just in different ways depending on how he was styled. Today his eyes were dark, his lips glossy, his cheekbones sharp with contour. His stage outfit was dark as well, all low-cut mesh and leather, showing off his broad shoulders and smooth chest. He almost didn’t look real, too perfect to be an actual person, and he was standing there, impressed by the way Soonyoung looked. The eye of the beholder, Soonyoung supposed, despite the more minimal makeup he had on, and the much less revealing clothes. 

Soonyoung’s eyes caught on Joshua’s neck, a pretty black lace choker wrapped around it, the ring that was dangling in the center big enough for Soonyoung to slip the tip of his finger into. So he did, stepping close, giving the choker a light tug. Joshua didn’t say anything, didn’t react except to let his eyelids flutter closed. The action was so simple that it was almost obscene. 

Then Mingyu bumped into Soonyoung, half-asleep and stumbling on his way to the makeup chair, muttering and trying to put a hand on Soonyoung’s shoulder in apology. That was also clumsy, his hand landing nearly hard enough to knock him over. Joshua had to reach out to steady him, his eyes big with concern as Soonyoung nearly lost his balance, and the moment was broken. Which was good really, because they already had their makeup on and Chan could pull out a camera at literally any moment and plausible deniability could only go so far. It made it hard not to glare at Mingyu though, Soonyoung having to cover his face just a moment later because Wonwoo, who had been sitting quietly by and happened to catch the entire exchange, began laughing very loudly. 

“I’m last to take a shower tonight.” Joshua said, once the events of the day were done and they were walking back from their cars to their dorm. Soonyoung frowned. 

“Oh, do you want to trade with me? You can take my spot.” The two floors drew lots to see who could use the showers first. Soonyoung had gotten second, but he had less gel in his hair than Joshua did, and wouldn’t mind waiting. “There’s stuff in our bathroom that will work with your hair, I think.”

“No, I… I volunteered to be last.” Joshua said. He had a bit of a smile on his face, glancing away as he spoke. “And I wanted to know if you wanted to take a shower with me.” 

Soonyoung’s mouth went dry, but the answer didn’t take a second thought. 

“Yeah, okay.” 

Joshua grinned, reaching around Soonyoung to give his waist a squeeze.

They’d all showered together before, had all seen each other naked before, so being naked in front of Joshua wasn’t the element of it all that Soonyoung was most concerned with. It was the idea of being in a small, warm space with a very wet and possibly soapy Joshua that seemed to want--that had _invited--_ Soonyoung to join him. 

The first thing they did was actually get clean; they had worked all day, and were covered head to toe in product and sweat. Soonyoung wasn’t sure that the shampoo in this shower would be okay for his hair and how fried it was, but they were only supposed to be in the studio and the practice room for the next couple of days; he could go out and get it deep conditioned if he needed to. 

And then he couldn’t believe that _that_ was what he was thinking about when Joshua was standing in front of him, water running down his shoulders and back, his hair wet, his face close. 

“I missed you.” Soonyoung told him, and Joshua smiled, leaning closer; Soonyoung didn’t realize that Joshua had soap on his hands until he spread his hands across Soonyoung’s shoulders. 

“Well, I’m right here.” Joshua said, rubbing soap down Soonyoung’s arms. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Good.” Soonyoung said, and Joshua kissed him. It was a kiss that Soonyoung had been needing all week, hot and deep, Joshua licking into his mouth, his arms sliding smoothly across Soonyoung’s chest with the slipperiness of the soap. Soonyoung gripped Joshua’s hip, his fingers gently kneading the bare skin there, beginning to slide his hand lower when the bathroom door opened and closed, the sink turning on. 

Both of them jumped horribly, Soonyoung extremely grateful that neither of them slipped. The intruder didn’t say anything, and after a moment of awkward silence, Soonyoung couldn’t help himself. 

“Hello?”

“Hoshi?” It was Mingyu, and he sounded confused, and Soonyoung remembered all at once that this was not the bathroom he was supposed to be in. He tried to think. 

“Jun was taking too long.” He finally decided to say. Mingyu made a noncommittal noise of understanding, then turned off the sink. 

“I’m just gonna brush my teeth.” Mingyu said, and something about hearing Mingyu’s voice while also having his hand on the curve of Joshua’s ass was a little too much for Soonyoung, who withdrew and took a step back. Joshua gave him a look that was partially a pout and mostly a joke, Soonyoung giving him a wide-eyed expression back, Joshua scrunching up his entire face in an effort not to laugh out loud. Not that Mingyu didn’t know they were dating, or couldn’t know that Joshua was in the shower with him, but it felt like more than Soonyoung wanted to deal with tonight, and Joshua seemed to agree. 

“Wonwoo’s been trying to get me to download this video editor that he has.” Mingyu began, as he was rinsing off his toothbrush, and Soonyoung put a hand over his face. “Except the program is like, huge, and it’s not free, and it’s already on his laptop. He could just share, but he doesn’t want to. I wouldn’t know how to use it anyway, he would still have to teach me, so--”

Mingyu could talk a lot on a normal day, but now was the kind of tired that had him rambling, meaning he was probably going to just hang out in the bathroom and talk at Soonyoung until something shifted his train of thought and prompted him to do something else. Historically, complaining or reminding him didn’t work; the only way to shut Mingyu up when he was like this was to kiss him, something that not only Jihoon, but also Minghao, Chan, Seokmin, and Seungcheol had all done in desperation at one time or another. 

Soonyoung, who had really only been half listening anyway, jumped slightly when Joshua reached over, his hands covered in soap, and actually began properly washing Soonyoung’s back and shoulders. Joshua seemed a bit resigned to the fact that Mingyu was just going to be there, rubbing circles on Soonyoung’s shoulder blades with his thumbs. It wasn’t exactly what Soonyoung wanted to be doing, but it still felt nice. 

Part of Soonyoung wanted to stick it out, wanted to wait for Mingyu to go away, but he was also very tired, his legs aching all the way from his hips to his feet, and he didn’t want to spend time staying up even later if Joshua was tired too. Mingyu was still rambling, the subject somehow having traveled to the questionable safety of Seungkwan’s vitamin routine, when Soonyoung shut the water off. 

“Ah, seriously!” The loss of white noise jolted Mingyu from his train of thought. “Ugh, it’s so late. I need to go to bed. Night!”

“Goodnight, Mingyu.” 

Joshua began laughing as soon as Mingyu was out the door, his wet bangs falling in front of his face, and Soonyoung handed him a towel. Joshua had also brought bathrobes for them to put on, so once they were dry and fluffy and all robed up, they left the bathroom. 

“I should go.” Soonyoung said, and Joshua nodded a bit. “This was nice, really. Thanks for inviting me.”

“It was nice, wasn’t it?” Joshua said back, his voice sincere as he smiled, and Soonyoung couldn’t find it in himself to regret the way the night had gone; it had been a nice barrier to break down, very intimate and comfortable, and his entire body felt warm and clean and relaxed. He leaned in and Joshua kissed him, pressing his back into the bathroom door just a little. 

“Your turn.” Joshua told him as he pulled away, and it took Soonyoung a moment to understand what he meant. It had been Joshua that had taken this step, had invited Soonyoung into the shower with him, and now he wanted Soonyoung to reciprocate.

“I’ll knock your socks off.” Soonyoung responded, and Joshua laughed, his hands flat against Soonyoung’s chest. 

“Ah, you’re so cute.” The smile on Joshua’s face was Soonyoung’s favorite Joshua smile, when his eyes would disappear and his teeth would show. “But you don’t have to do that. It can even just be another shower like this one. It’s hard, being busy, but I just want to spend time with you.” 

“Okay.” Soonyoung said dumbly, because he felt a bit lost in Joshua’s eyes, and Joshua laughed at him. 

“Goodnight.” He murmured, leaning in to kiss him again. 

Vernon was already asleep when Soonyoung returned to his room, pulling out his phone and flopping on his bed. 

_To: Precious Hoonie  
_ _I’m going to kill your boyfriend._

Jihoon’s response only took a couple of seconds. First he just sent an emoji, the circle with the round eyes and the flat mouth. The next text was actual words. 

_From: Precious Hoonie  
_ _Can’t let you, sorry._

Then, after a few moments: _He says he didn’t do anything though??_

Another, a few seconds later, because Jihoon was a notorious double, triple, and quadruple texter:

_He says he’s sorry if he annoyed you in the shower. He didn’t mean to._

That made Soonyoung feel a bit bad, but still. _Still._ Mingyu had interrupted them not once, but twice, in less than eight hours. 

_To: Precious Hoonie  
_ _I just wasn’t ALONE in the shower, that’s all._

Soonyoung knew that the lack of response meant that Jihoon was laughing at him. Mingyu’s apology the next day came in the form of a bottle of lube and a box of condoms that had all been stashed under his pillow, Soonyoung grabbing the items and hiding them away before Vernon saw them. 

Despite wanting to spend more time, it was hard to actually do that, partially because work got in the way, and partially because they already spent so much time together as a group that it took a decent amount of effort for things to feel “special”. It was effort Soonyoung was willing to put in, but despite that desire, things out of his control often got in the way. Like Kim Mingyu, for example. Over the next couple weeks, all of the members ended up interrupting one way or another, but Mingyu seemed to have some kind of talent for it. 

Sometimes, moments where they weren’t alone felt special anyway; Soonyoung would go over to Joshua during a dance practice break and lay his head in Joshua’s lap, and Joshua would smile down at him and brush his bangs from his eyes, calling him “always so handsome”, and the moment would have a lightness in Soonyoung’s chest for a couple of days afterwards. Sometimes, moments meant to be special would fall through, dinner and a movie turning into nap time in Joshua’s bed, their takeout meals resting half-eaten on their chests and their chopsticks limp in their hands, the movie streaming from Joshua’s laptop going on without them. The only time Soonyoung really felt that their busy schedules were a problem was when Joshua was painfully sexy, and Soonyoung couldn’t do anything about it. 

“Please do something, or I really am going to kill someone.” Minghao told Soonyoung, coming up to him as everyone was filing out of the studio after a vigorous dance practice. Joshua had worn a tank top and a beanie all day, and the time Soonyoung hadn’t spent ogling his boyfriend’s arms had been used musing about how perfect his boyfriend’s eyebrows were.

“What?” Soonyoung asked, wondering if he should be concerned. 

“I’m going to kill someone.” Minghao clarified, as though the words themselves weren’t the bizarre part of the statement, and that maybe Soonyoung had simply misheard him instead. 

“Why? Did something happen?”

“Something needs to happen.”

“What does?” Soonyoung asked, wanting to help, but Minghao raised his eyebrows.

“You and Shua. The tension in here.” Minghao put a dramatic hand to his throat. “I actually can’t breathe.” 

“Oh.” Soonyoung felt his face heating up, embarrassed by how pink he looked in the mirror. 

“He wants it too.” Minghao told him. “It’s not like he doesn’t stare back. So please, do something.” 

Then Soonyoung was alone with his embarrassment, taking his cap off and running his fingers through his hair, just to have something to do with his hands. He knew that Minghao was a very observant person, but still; he hadn’t thought that he and Joshua had been that overt. It was a bit concerning, and meant that yeah, he probably should make a move soon, or at least have a talk with Joshua about being ready for a move to be made. 

But then Soonyoung realized that if he had sex with Joshua, then he’d be having sex with Joshua, and he’d never done that before, and that was big, and that was _important,_ and as it turned out, panic was excellent for killing boners. 

The thought didn’t leave his mind though, knowing he wanted to talk about all of this with someone. So he made sure he was the last in the studio for the new song the group was putting together, staying in the booth when Jihoon said he was all finished. 

“Was there a part you wanted to re-record?” Jihoon asked, when he realized Soonyoung hadn’t moved. He glanced up for just a moment before looking back down at the lyric sheet, scanning all of the lines marked for “Hoshi” with his pencil. “I said it was all good. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow if you want a second opinion from Bumzu though, so you can go.”

“I wanted to talk to you.” Soonyoung said, and that got Jihoon to look up at him again, his eyes narrowing under the brim of his ball cap. 

“Why are you being weird?” He asked. “Is there something wrong?”

Soonyoung didn’t answer--he hadn’t really thought of how to breach the topic--and Jihoon spoke again, sounding concerned. 

“Is it you and Joshua? Did something happen?” 

“No.” He answered quickly, because nothing was wrong, but this was an in; Soonyoung could work with this. “No, but it is about him, kind of. Things have been going really well, and I was just wondering--because, we haven’t gone all the way yet, and you and Mingyu have been together for a long time, so I was hoping that maybe you could, I don’t know… You could give me some tips, or something.”

Jihoon stared at him. Jihoon stared him full in the face for ten full beats of silence. Then his hand fell forwards, clicking the button to speak, his voice flat. 

“No.”

“Please?” Soonyoung had to convince him somehow. “Please, we’ve been going further, physically, and I just--”

“Good for you.”

“--I just had a few questions that I wanted to ask someone.”

“...okay.” Jihoon said, and for a moment Soonyoung couldn’t believe it had been that easy. But then Jihoon began gathering his stuff together, getting ready to just leave Soonyoung there, and Soonyoung turned the begging up another notch. 

“Come on, please? You’re my best friend, Jihoon. And besides, we’re riding home together, so either I’ll try to talk to you now or I’ll try to talk to you in the car, where the taxi driver can hear me. Your call.”

Jihoon stilled. Soonyoung couldn’t see his face under his hat, so he didn’t see his expression change, didn’t see what it was that made him turn and sit back down. He hoped it was the best friend declaration and not the threat, but felt it was probably the other way around. 

“I will answer two questions.” Jihoon said, still not looking at him, putting his hand over his face as he waited. 

“How did you and Mingyu know it was the right time?” Soonyoung asked. Jihoon didn’t react to his words much except to close his eyes, and while he’d given two questions, Soonyoung was only half expecting him to answer, ready to accept that he wouldn’t when Jihoon finally spoke. 

“It was a bit overdue, honestly. It was hard, because for the first few years we shared a room with Coups and Jeonghan, and I would rather die for real than have either of them walk in on us doing anything.” 

“But--you four shared a room for years.” Soonyoung said in surprise. 

“We weren’t ready at first.” Jihoon admitted. “And then when we were--well, we were always so busy. We didn’t have the time. Besides, it's not like we didn’t... We did other stuff. In other places.”

“Right.” Soonyoung said quickly. The candid conversation was good, Soonyoung not wanting Jihoon to get embarrassed and shut down. 

“It’s just one of those things you can feel.” Jihoon said, in an attempt to answer Soonyoung‘s original question, shrugging a bit. “I mean, of course the time is important for privacy and everything, but otherwise... I don’t know how to help you with that.”

Soonyoung nodded a bit, trying to rephrase what he wanted to ask, trying to figure out what it was he wanted to know with his allotted final question. He decided to go broad with it. 

“So how do I... What do I do?”

“What--what do you do?” Jihoon repeated, his voice faint in incredulity. “You... You don’t _not_ know what to do, do you? I’m not going to--I’m not going to explain how to--can’t you just watch some porn and figure that out yourself?”

“It’s not that I don’t know!” Soonyoung said quickly, and probably a little too loudly. “It’s just--porn isn’t realistic, and I don’t want anything to go wrong, or for anything to hurt, I just... I just want to make him feel good.” And fuck, he could understand Jihoon’s reluctance now, because at the admittance his face was burning so much that it almost physically hurt. Jihoon was hiding behind both of his hands this time, silent and still, but Soonyoung didn’t want to admit defeat and leave the recording booth, deciding that he’d already gotten this far. He couldn’t actually out-stubborn Jihoon when it really came down to it, but he could try. One of Jihoon’s hands left his face, hitting the button to speak.

“That--that’s good.” He said, his voice muffled by the hand he was still hiding himself with. “That... You know. He’s your priority. That’s a good base point. Trust is important. Communication is important. You have to like--vocalize your needs, and stuff.”

Soonyoung wanted to make a joke about Jihoon’s ability to vocalize his needs, considering he was currently speaking through his fingers, but refrained. 

“Okay.” He said instead. Jihoon didn’t react in a way that suggested he’d heard the word, continuing, bringing his hand away from his face, though his head was still bowed towards the table and covered mostly by his ball cap. His ears were red. 

“Going slow is good. Lube is, uh. Good. Being with someone who won’t take the cap off and somehow empty the entire bottle onto the bed is good too, but I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that.”

Soonyoung couldn’t help it, bursting out laughing, and his laughter seemed to help Jihoon’s embarrassment a bit, because he lifted his head. 

“Mingyu--Mingyu did that?” He asked, and there was a grin on Jihoon’s face now, shaking his head a bit. 

“I couldn’t believe it!” He said. “Seriously! I had to--I had to sneak into Coups’s bedroom in my underwear and get some out of his bedside table drawer, and--and the sheets were destroyed, but we have two beds in our room, so Mingyu just had to do laundry, but...” Jihoon rubbed a hand over the right side of his face. Then he seemed to think of something, his voice suddenly serious, pointing at Soonyoung through the glass. “If you ever, _ever_ do anything in Vernon’s bed, I will kill you. I will kill you on his behalf. He won’t even have to ask me to.” 

“I won’t!” Soonyoung said quickly, loudly, the thought of it making him recoil. “I won’t.”

Jihoon was still glaring, so Soonyoung walked to the door of the recording booth, opening it and stepping out. 

“Do you need me to pinky promise?” He asked, offering his pinky out. “Because I will. I’ll pinky promise.”

“Do not touch me.” Jihoon said. He was grinning a bit at the desperation in Soonyoung’s defense. “You pervert.”

“Hey!” Soonyoung exclaimed, but seeing Jihoon smile made him laugh. 

“You really don’t have to worry so much.” Jihoon said. “I know it’s easier to say than to do, but try not to be so nervous. You’re his first too, right? So he’ll understand if things aren’t, you know, perfect. Plus, I know you’re worried about something hurting, but it’s not always so bad if it hurts a little bit.”

“Hey. That’s a TMI.” Hoshi protested, and Jihoon gave him a look under the brim of his hat. 

“You came to me, and begged me to have this conversation.” He said. “You don’t have any rights.”

Soonyoung wasn’t sure how blushing, covering-his-face Jihoon could talk about _this_ out loud, and how this had suddenly taken a dip into kink territory, but he supposed he couldn’t be too surprised. When over half of them were dressed in strappy leather bondage gear on the regular for Getting Closer and Good To Me performances, some self-discovery was bound to happen. 

“...fine.” He said, when Jihoon’s cell phone rang. Jihoon just stared at it on the tabletop for a moment before answering, pushing the speaker button in favor of picking the device up.

“Jihoonie.” It was Mingyu, and his voice was whiny, and Soonyoung felt instantly that this conversation was not meant for him. “When are you coming home? I miss you.”

“...why do you miss me?” Jihoon asked, his face scrunched up a little, his eyelids squeezed closed the way they always squeezed closed when he felt like Mingyu was embarrassing him. Cute nicknames and quick kisses always made him make the face immediately, but despite acting like he didn’t like it, he never told Mingyu to stop, an important distinction that everybody noticed and nobody dared to comment on. Soonyoung couldn’t help but notice that he wasn’t taking the phone off speaker mode, either. 

“I haven’t seen you all day.” 

Usually, when Mingyu was this whiny and they were all together, he had to be touching Jihoon in some way, holding his hand or his waist or his shoulder. And Jihoon would let him until he couldn’t stand it anymore, instead jumping up and situating himself on Mingyu’s back like he would when they were kids. He would slump forwards, his arms around Mingyu’s neck, his face close enough to Mingyu’s for them to whisper to each other, for Jihoon to murmur comforts and kiss Mingyu’s face. It was appalling, when compared to how he reacted to everything else, how soft Jihoon could be for Mingyu. 

“You have though? You saw me this morning.” Jihoon countered, but continued before Mingyu could respond. “I’ll come soon. Hoshi was being embarrassing, but we’re almost done.”

“You’re not on your way?” Mingyu was still whining, an absolute pout in his voice, and Jihoon shoved his face into his hands. “But I want to take a shower.”

“So take a shower.”

“But I want to take a shower with you.”

“I--Mingyu, it’s been a long day. I’m tired.”

“I know you are.” Mingyu said. Then his voice went a little softer. “That’s why. I wanted to wash your hair.”

Soonyoung’s eyebrows went up his forehead, very much enjoying how pink Jihoon’s face had gone and feeling like Jihoon would probably be less embarrassed if Mingyu had said something incredibly sexually explicit instead. 

“I’ll be there soon.” Jihoon said, his voice quieter. “I promise.” 

“Hm. Okay.” There was a sigh in Mingyu’s voice, slightly warped, as though he were stretching while talking. “Love you.” 

“Mn.” Jihoon hung up, and Soonyoung let his mouth fall open. 

“You’re not going to say it back?” Soonyoung asked, letting his tone go heavy with mock dismay. “After he offered to wash your hair?”

“You already got your two questions.” Jihoon responded, getting to his feet, pulling his cap off just to run a hand through his hair and put it back on again. “Are we done?”

“Why? Want to hurry home?”

Jihoon didn’t justify the teasing with a response, and Soonyoung laughed. 

“Yeah. We can be done. Thanks, Jihoon.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Seriously, I mean it.” Soonyoung knew that Jihoon knew they were best friends, but this still felt important to convey. “Thank you.”

“Of course, Soonyoung.” There was a smile tugging at the corners of Jihoon’s lips. “Now shut up.” 

Soonyoung laughed out loud, Jihoon even letting Soonyoung sling an arm around his shoulders as they left the recording studio together. He was already trying to think of a genuine way to thank Jihoon for putting up with him, some kind of present he would like, when Jihoon upped his best friend game by entering the downstairs living room on their next day off, Seungcheol on one side of him, Mingyu clinging to him on the other side, and declaring,

“We’re going to go see a movie. Who wants to come?”

“Me!” Chan exclaimed loudly, Jihoon squeezing his eyes and lips together in a show of mock despair. “What movie is it?” 

Jihoon told them, and Soonyoung blinked in surprise. Jihoon going to see a movie at all was surprising, but the movie they were going to was one that Soonyoung knew Jihoon wouldn’t like. That had been obvious enough from the trailer, but Soonyoung had told Jihoon about the movie after going to see it with Joshua--they’d gotten their recording done early and gone on a date, Soonyoung only dozing off once due to how late he’d stayed up working the night before, so he counted it as a win--and Jihoon had been blatant about thinking it sounded boring.

“Oh, I wanted to see that one.” Jeonghan said. Then, probably because he was using Seokmin’s shoulder as a pillow, “I’ll go if Dokyeommie goes.” 

Seokmin seemed surprised, but he nodded. “Yeah, okay. I’ll go.” 

“Awesome.” At Seokmin’s agreement, Jihoon was already turning to the door. “Let’s leave.” 

“Wait, you didn’t ask Hoshi or Shua!” Seungcheol said, and while that was true, it didn’t bother Soonyoung, since he knew that Jihoon knew they'd already seen it. It wasn’t until Soonyoung saw an almost exaggerated wince on Mingyu’s face that Soonyoung understood what was actually happening. With Seokmin, Seungcheol, Mingyu, and Jihoon all going to the movies and Wonwoo out on a solo schedule, the entire floor containing Joshua’s bedroom would be empty. 

Jihoon really was his best friend.

“What about it, guys?” Seokmin asked, sliding an arm around Jeonghan as he spoke and using it to pull him up, both of them standing. “Want to…” He counted them quickly by twos. “Want to go on a quadruple date?”

“Wait, half of us are going?” Chan asked. “Let’s have everybody go!” 

“Family movie night could be fun.” Jeonghan said, Seungcheol nodding. 

“If we took pictures, the Carats would love it.”

“We’ve already seen the movie though.” Joshua pointed out, gesturing between himself and Soonyoung, but the others didn’t care, too excited about the idea. Fortunately, between half of them too impatient to wait for Wonwoo to come home, the back-to-back doctor appointments Minghao had scheduled all day, and Vernon and Seungkwan having already left to spend time with Vernon’s family, they only managed to also loop in Junhui before the idea fell through, Joshua and Soonyoung finding themselves alone on the couch as the moviegoers filed out. 

“That was weird.” Joshua said, and Soonyoung had to laugh a little. “What? Don’t you think that was weird?” 

“I do think it was weird.” Soonyoung agreed, stretching out, putting his upper body in Joshua’s lap as he did. He’d squeezed his eyes closed as he extended his limbs out, but when he opened them again Joshua was smiling at him. “I also think Jihoon is being very nice.” 

“What, is that a movie that Mingyu wanted to see?” Joshua asked. “Woozi not going out for stuff like that usually doesn’t bother him.” 

“Oh, I don’t know about that.” Soonyoung said. “But, the dorm is like… Pretty much empty now.” 

“Okay?” Joshua said. Then he understood. “Oh. _Oh.”_

Soonyoung laughed again but Joshua wasn’t wasting any time, already pulling Soonyoung close for a very enthusiastic kiss, the rest of Soonyoung’s giggle muffled against Joshua’s lips before he began kissing back. They stayed on the couch for a little while, enjoying the closeness and the comfort before Joshua pulled Soonyoung up by the hand. 

Joshua pulled Soonyoung all the way into his room, all the way onto his bed, lying back on his pillows and tugging him close. There was something a bit fun about being trailed along like that, and when Soonyoung pressed his lips to Joshua’s again something was a bit different, the charge and spark of a changed expectation, the feeling both exciting and slightly nerve-wracking at the same time. 

Joshua had a button-up shirt on, Soonyoung very much enjoying the ability he had to unbutton each button one at a time, Joshua’s skin shivering under his fingertips when the shirt was fully open and Soonyoung was able to run his hand down his chest. 

“Don’t tease.” Joshua murmured, Soonyoung leaning close to press a kiss to the dip between the muscles of his chest.

“Not teasing.” He promised. “Just appreciating.”

“Want me to take the shirt off, then?” Joshua asked, a slight smile in his voice. Soonyoung sat back to let him, Joshua pulling his arms free and letting it fall somewhere on the floor. His hands went to the hem of Soonyoung’s t-shirt and Soonyoung got the hint, pulling it off and doing it quickly, not wanting to waste a moment he could spend looking at the man much too beautiful for Soonyoung to imagine being in bed with. Joshua kissed him again, but the kiss was very light, lasting just a couple of seconds before he pulled back.

“What?” Soonyoung asked him. Joshua let out a little hum, a slight curl to the sides of his mouth as he leaned back, looking Soonyoung over in a way that was long and slow, his hand trailing down Soonyoung’s bare arm. 

“I just like you.” Joshua said, seeming to find the words a bit embarrassing in how honest they were, beginning to laugh. And Soonyoung couldn’t help it, his chest feeling tight with affection, leaning down to cover Joshua in kisses. They were all messy and quick and Joshua just laughed louder, squirming at first, even tickling Soonyoung a bit as he giggled, his eyes squeezed closed. But then his hands found the sides of Soonyoung’s face, holding him still and pressing a kiss to his lips. Soonyoung kissed back, kissed deeper, Joshua pulling him more fully on top of him. It wasn’t until their clothes were a pile on Joshua’s floor that Soonyoung had to stop again. 

“I know that we had to wait to be alone, and you haven’t... You haven’t said or done anything that would make me think otherwise but, but--you’re totally sure that this is what you want? That you want to do this right now?”

“I am.” Joshua leaned in again, Soonyoung kissing him for a moment before pulling back. 

“And you know that I’m okay with anything you want to do? That I don’t have a single expectation, and we can stop at any time, no questions asked?”

“Soonyoung, I know who I’m with.” Joshua said gently. The response threw Soonyoung for a moment, and somehow those words were making him blush more than anything else about the situation. 

“That’s not really an answer, though.” He finally managed, Joshua reaching out, taking one of Soonyoung’s hands and putting the palm of it against his cheek. 

“Yes, okay? To everything.”

He smiled at Soonyoung, and he looked so comfortable, laying here with him like this, that Soonyoung felt stunned in a couple of different ways, thankful that Joshua felt this safe with him, almost overwhelmed with it.

“Soonyoung.” Joshua murmured, and Soonyoung realized he’d been staring. “I’m going to kiss you now. If that--if everything is okay with you, too.”

Joshua waited until Soonyoung had nodded back to lean in, his lips slightly parted, his eyes on Soonyoung’s mouth, everything about him so close and so pretty. Then Joshua kissed him, pulling him down as he did, and Soonyoung went willingly.

Soonyoung knew he loved Joshua. He’d loved Joshua for years; since debut, if not longer. But as the months passed, Joshua’s hand in his, Soonyoung began to suspect that he was _in love_ with Joshua as well. The problem was, he wasn’t sure how to tell, because he didn’t think he’d ever actually been in love before. Part of him was waiting for some moment, some all-encompassing, light shining from the heavens, “aha!” moment, just as a way for him to know. Soonyoung wasn’t sure if something like that just wasn’t going to happen, or if it had somehow already happened, and had passed him by. 

He decided to ask around. The first people he asked were Seungkwan and Mingyu, because the three of them were hanging out together, and it was on his mind. 

“How do you know if you’re in love?” He asked, breaking a moment of silence that Seungkwan had been using to sing to himself. Seungkwan gasped, Mingyu turning to him with big eyes. 

“Are you in love with Joshua?” He asked. 

“I… I don’t--”

“He doesn’t know!” Seungkwan exclaimed, hitting Mingyu on the arm. “That’s why he’s asking!”

“Oh, yeah.” Mingyu’s face furrowed in thought, Seungkwan turning to him in inspiration. 

“Does he cheer you up?” He asked. That question was easy. 

“Yes.”

“Does he make your heart shake?”

“...what?”

“Does he…” Seungkwan began to sing, in English for some reason, _“...make you feel special?”_

“Stop saying TWICE song titles at him.” Mingyu said, putting his hand over Seungkwan’s face and pushing him away a little bit. 

“But they have a song called What Is Love!” Seungkwan protested, but Mingyu ignored him, fixing Soonyoung with a look. 

“Does he inspire you?” Mingyu asked. “Like… To do art?”

“Um…” The answer was ‘not really’, but saying that didn’t feel great. Soonyoung knew that he got inspired by objects and actions rather than people, but still. “I don’t really draw that much.”

“No, you’re right, that was a stupid question.” Mingyu shook his head a bit. “I know: do you think he’s sexy? All the time?”

“All the time?” Soonyoung echoed. 

“Even when he’s sick?” Mingyu said. His expression was extremely serious; much more serious than Soonyoung thought the situation--and the question--called for. “Like, even when he’s super, throw-up level sick.” 

“...I don’t think so.” Soonyoung said. “I would probably want to take care of him, more than anything.”

“Oh, yeah, I guess that’s good too.” Mingyu conceded, almost like wanting to take care of someone wasn’t even something he had to think about, and Soonyoung decided that Mingyu and Seungkwan probably weren’t going to help him. Jeonghan, somehow, was even less helpful. 

“Well, think about how you feel about me.” He said, when Soonyoung asked him the same question. Soonyoung did, closing his eyes and letting himself experience the emotion for a moment. 

“Alright.” He said. “Now what?”

“There you go.” Jeonghan responded. “That’s it.” 

“No, like--” Soonyoung laughed a bit. “Romantic love. Being in love with someone.” 

“Oh.” Jeonghan thought for a moment, his head lolling across the back of the couch. “I don’t really… There’s not much of a distinction for me, I think.” He said. “I think I’m just a little bit in love with all of you.”

The words were sweet, Soonyoung laughing as he wrapped Jeonghan up in his arms and gave him a squeeze, Jeonghan giggling at how tightly Soonyoung was holding him and squeezing back. 

“If you think you might be in love with him, then you already are.” Jihoon told him, when it was his turn to be asked, not even looking up from the messy lyric sheets in his hands. 

“What does love feel like for you?” Soonyoung asked, partially because it might help, and partially because he just wanted to know what went on inside Jihoon’s head. 

“You already know about all the, like, good feelings.” Jihoon said, and Soonyoung nodded. Love seemed like it was an easier topic than sex. Or maybe it was just that Soonyoung had caught Jihoon on the tail end of writing a cheesy ballad, and he was still in the mood. “But it’s also just… Thinking that the world is better with them in it.”

“Even when they’re being super annoying?” Soonyoung asked. “And you’ve pointed to their face and said that you’re going to kill them, and it didn’t at all look like you were joking, and Cheol actually got a little worried about Mingyu’s safety?”

“Yeah.” Jihoon answered, the expression on his face suggesting that it was obvious. “Besides, they don’t have to like… Actually, physically be around you. Just the fact that they exist in the world. That’s what makes living worth it. Makes everything worth it.”

Soonyoung just stared at Jihoon for a few seconds. 

“You are so sappy!” He yelled, and Jihoon flipped him off. 

Wonwoo gave him a talk about Love Languages, and Minghao told him some Chinese folk tales about feelings, and Soonyoung began to get the idea that maybe love was different for everyone. He tried to think of what he might want it to be for him, but all he really wanted was Joshua. And it wasn’t a hang up, it wasn’t causing any problems between them, but it was something Soonyoung found himself musing about when he was alone. 

He was alone now; only the Vocal Unit had a schedule today, the rest of them out or lounging around like he was. They would be back within the hour though, Soonyoung making his way to Joshua’s room, wanting to maybe surprise him with his presence when he returned--and wondering what state of undress he should be waiting in--when he stepped through the door and saw that the room was a bit of a mess. 

It was highly unusual for Joshua’s room to be a mess. The group were in that stage where they were horrifyingly busy again, working though early mornings or into late nights, and while Joshua wasn’t fully sick, he was fighting a slight cold that had him fatigued. And really, the room wasn’t even that messy, miles cleaner than Soonyoung and Vernon’s own, and in a completely different league from Junhui, Chan, and Seungkwan’s, but still. It looked lived in, looked slightly disarrayed, the bed unmade with some books and writing utensils strewn in places they weren’t supposed to be. So Soonyoung decided to clean the place up. 

In all honesty, he wasn’t completely sure where everything was supposed to go, so he just tried his best. The bed wasn’t as neat as Joshua knew how to make it, and some of the things didn’t look quite right on the shelves, Soonyoung going over to maybe rearrange a bit when Joshua walked through the door. 

“Oh, hey.” Soonyoung gave him a smile, Joshua smiling back and opening his arms wide for a hug. Soonyoung complied, stepping in close, Joshua making a small and contented sort of humming sound when Soonyoung wrapped his arms around him. Joshua looked tired and smelled like hairspray, snuggling himself into Soonyoung’s arms and the crook of Soonyoung’s neck. He fit there perfectly, Soonyoung caught up in holding him when Joshua spoke, exhaustion gone from his voice, replaced instead with surprise. 

“Did you clean my room?” 

“I… A little.” Soonyoung took a step back. “Is that okay?”

“You made my bed?” Joshua seemed not to hear him, a wide smile on his face as he made his way over to his bed and fully flopped on top of it, sighing a bit and stretching all his limbs out. Soonyoung laughed and, for lack of anything better to do, flopped on top of him. 

“Thank you. _You’re my favorite.”_ Joshua said, his voice soft and a bit squished under Soonyoung’s weight. “You’re my favorite person in the world.”

The words were said casually, and Joshua’s eyes were closed as he spoke, sounding completely content, but they did something to the way that breath seemed to fit in Soonyoung’s chest. It wasn’t huge, the clouds didn’t part and the sky didn’t fall, but Soonyoung felt it. He was in love with Joshua. 

After preparations were over, performances came. It was the most fun part of it all, getting to show their fans what they’d created, but it was tough too, tiring all the time. They spent their days in clothes that didn't quite fit right, plastered in makeup and dripping in hair gel, having to watch what they ate and nap when they could. The thrill of being onstage was worth all of that, though. 

Once Soonyoung was ready for bed, in a loose t-shirt and soft pajama pants, he made his way to Joshua's room. He’d been spending more nights there, mostly by Joshua’s invitation. He was worried at first about ditching Vernon, but Vernon had assured him that it was fine, that he didn’t mind, and Vernon’s ever-growing shoe collection seemed to have acquired a consciousness of its own. Soonyoung was only a little afraid that it might rise up and eat him in his sleep. 

Joshua was already in bed, but the lights in his room were on and he was laying on top of his blankets, his phone resting on his chest. He glanced up when his door opened, his face breaking out into a smile when he saw that it was Soonyoung there. 

"Hey." His voice was soft, Soonyoung smiling before he realized it, taking two quick steps and falling in bed next to Joshua. Joshua laughed at him, especially at the sound Soonyoung made when he hit the bony side of his elbow against the wall, muffled by him shoving his face into Joshua's pillow. 

He snuggled up close and Joshua let him, simply adjusting a little to make sure he was also comfortable as Soonyoung slung both a leg and an arm over Joshua, pressing his cheek into Joshua's shoulder. It made his lips bunch up a little, made his next words slightly clumsy, but he didn't want to move. 

"What are you doing?" 

In favor of answering Joshua just angled his cell phone screen in Soonyoung's direction, seeing a text message exchange between Joshua and his mom. It was simple stuff; that they'd performed on a music show today, that they'd won, that he'd eaten well, and was going to sleep soon. 

"You're sleeping soon?" Soonyoung asked him. 

"I mean, I could." Joshua answered. In truth, he didn’t sound particularly tired. "I could also stay up all night if you had something in mind." 

"Oh, nothing in mind." Soonyoung answered, a mock innocence in his voice that he didn't really need to have. He'd come into Joshua's room because he wanted to see him, okay with anything that Joshua did or didn’t want to do. He didn't have any ulterior motive, honestly, but when Joshua's perfect neck was that close to him, it was hard not to kiss it.

Joshua laughed a little as Soonyoung's lips touched him, his head falling back against the pillows, one hand reaching up to thread lightly through Soonyoung's hair. Soonyoung knew he couldn't give Joshua a hickey, not during their music show circuit, so he made the kisses gentle, letting his head fall back on the pillows too. Joshua looked beautiful like this as well, his face bare, redness from a healing blemish under the left corner of his nose, his hair a bit fried from its dye job and falling unchecked off his forehead and onto the pillow beneath him. 

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Joshua asked him, the skin under his chin folding in on itself a little as he tilted his head down to look at Soonyoung, and in that moment, Soonyoung loved everything about him. He didn't really want to say that, though; it felt a little too heavy. Those were words they hadn’t said to each other yet. Shown through actions and gestures maybe, but not out loud. 

"I just like you." He said instead, Joshua giggling a little, pink dusting his cheeks. Soonyoung loved that he'd been dating Joshua for nearly a year and could still get that kind of reaction from a few simple words. He scooted up a bit, his face level with Joshua's on the pillow so he could lean in and kiss him. Joshua kissed him back, reaching over with one of his hands, big and warm through the fabric of Soonyoung's shirt as it rested on his stomach. Soonyoung kept wanting to get closer, kept trying to get closer, and somewhere in all of it Joshua's hand ended up sliding down to Soonyoung's ass. Joshua didn't notice, simply continuing to kiss him, but Soonyoung definitely noticed. He pulled back and gave his butt a little shake, and once Joshua had stopped laughing at him, gave Soonyoung a bit of a squeeze in return. 

That made Soonyoung laugh out loud, nuzzling his face into Joshua's neck, and the next thing he knew Joshua's arms were around him, hauling him up, pulling him over so that Soonyoung was resting completely on Joshua, their legs tangled together. 

"Hm... Shua is like a pancake." Soonyoung told him, letting his eyes close for a moment as he rested his head against Joshua's chest. 

“I’m... What?” Joshua’s face was one of confusion, stopping on his way to kiss the top of Soonyoung’s head. “A pancake?”

Soonyoung nodded. “Soft and hot at the same time.” He explained, and Joshua broke down into laughs, his head falling back on the pillow beneath him again, his eyes barely open. He slid both his hands down Soonyoung’s sides, resting them on the small of Soonyoung’s back, and all Soonyoung could do was watch him. It was an amazing thing, he thought; the ability to make someone happy. 

“I came up with that in the shower.” He said, which just made Joshua laugh more, hugging his arms a bit tighter around Soonyoung and giving him a squeeze. “I’m glad you like it.”

“I love it.” Joshua told him, his voice warm with amusement. “I love you.” 

The words didn’t seem intentional, more like Joshua was caught up in his delight, Soonyoung stuck wondering how he should respond. But putting that much thought in was enough of a tip-off, Joshua’s laughter dying in his throat. The room had grown serious, so Soonyoung simply decided to ask. 

“You do?” 

“I...” For a moment, Joshua wasn’t looking at him. Then he met Soonyoung’s eyes. “Yeah. I love you.” 

Soonyoung felt he almost couldn’t breathe. But Joshua didn't look unsure, didn't look hesitant or uncomfortable. The words may have been accidental, but they were genuine. 

"I love you too." Soonyoung told him, feeling breathless. He'd thought, maybe, that saying it would be hard to do when it was finally time to say it out loud, but it wasn’t. The only part that was difficult was the way they were a response, instead of a declaration. Soonyoung hadn't expected that Joshua would tell him first that he loved him.

Joshua smiled at him, but there was something familiar and knowing about the smile, Soonyoung not understanding. 

“What?” He asked. 

“Just… Yeah. I know you do.”

“What?”

“You… You’ve kind of been saying it lately.”

“I’ve been…?”

“And I’d been wondering if you’d noticed, but apparently not.”

Soonyoung couldn’t do much more than blink, Joshua giving him another squeeze, kissing his head this time. 

“Sometimes when you’re excited, you’ve said ‘I love you, you’re the best’, or… or the other day--” Joshua’s face was getting more and more pink as he spoke-- “The other day, when I came up for that fix for the choreography, and you said ‘it’s perfect, I love you so much, I could--”

“--I could kiss you right now.” Soonyoung remembered the moment, clapping a hand over his mouth. Joshua was right; he hadn’t noticed, throwing it out there for the past month like it was casual, simply because it was how he felt. 

“I’m sorry!” He said quickly, Joshua giving him a big-eyed, completely baffled expression.

“Sorry?” He asked. 

“I just--it should have been a nice moment, me telling you that but I was just saying it like… I don’t want you to think it was nothing, that I don’t mean it.”

“I don’t think that. I never thought that.” Joshua kissed him quickly. “Besides… Apparently you’d been talking to the other members? Jeonghan, Channie, and Woozi all told me that you loved me.”

“Oh.” Soonyoung said, and Joshua was smiling again, meeting Soonyoung’s eyes for just a moment before glancing down. 

“I’m sorry it took me so long to say it back.” Joshua told him. “I just… I don’t think I was really ready, until now.” 

Soonyoung didn’t want Joshua to apologize, or to even think that he needed to apologize, but he could tell that the words were something that Joshua felt he needed to say. 

“You know, I don’t think a confession--where no one is being turned down--has this many apologies in it.” Soonyoung said, and Joshua laughed a bit. “You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“Hey, you apologized first.” Joshua pointed out, and Soonyoung laughed too. 

“What was it, the first time I said it?” Soonyoung asked. He couldn’t believe that he’d spent so long thinking about being in love with Joshua, but couldn’t remember the first time he said “I love you” to him. 

“I got you an extra snack from the vending machine.” Joshua said, a laugh in his voice, and Soonyoung pressed his face into Joshua’s chest. 

“A vending machine snack?” 

“You hadn’t asked me to, so it was a surprise.” Joshua continued. “Plus, you followed it up with ‘you’re perfect’, so it was all pretty great for me.” 

There was the widest smile in Joshua’s voice, which was nice, but Soonyoung still felt embarrassed. 

“I can’t believe that’s what I used my first ‘I love you’ on, and you got such a nice one.” He complained. Joshua laughed again, petting his hair. 

“Well, this was your first ‘I love you too’.” He pointed out. “Does that count for something?”

It did. It really did, because “I love you too” wasn’t just a statement of love, it was a return of love, and it seemed to hit Soonyoung all over again, looking down at Joshua in something that felt like surprise, but was just a little bit softer. 

“You love me.” 

Joshua loved him. _Joshua loved him._

Joshua was smiling. “Yeah, I do.” 

“I love you too.” 

“You said that already.” Joshua said, his voice deep with affection. Soonyoung looked over him, took the sight of him in; his dyed hair, his nose, his big brown eyes, the couple of moles on his right cheek, the pink and the bow of his lips. 

Soonyoung leaned in to kiss Joshua, because he could, because he was here, because he was in Joshua’s room and in Joshua’s bed, because he loved him. 

Joshua kissed him back. 


End file.
